At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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