he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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