Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
