theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
