I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
