i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
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