It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
