My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
