I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
