I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
