Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
