Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
