This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
