walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
