My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
