Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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