Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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