Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
