Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
