Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
