some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
