Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
