Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
wanna go halves on a baby?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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