Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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