Is it normal to miss your booty call?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Randomize
