I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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