I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
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Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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