i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
this boner is exhausting
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
