just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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