Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I fill condoms, not promises.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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