Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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