Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
