this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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