Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
