when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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