please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
