He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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