Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
