Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
