why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
