even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
