Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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