the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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