Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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