I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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