i just had sex bonerless
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
