i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
