i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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