I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
