Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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