Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.