She is in my trunk
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
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Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
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drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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