he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I'm always down for nudity.
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