i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
