Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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