Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
