I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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