Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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