Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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