I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
